(SMS) Log
by Sir Stud Muffin
Summary: Text messages between Sherlock and John. Featuring Mycroft, Lestrade, and some small pop culture references.


**06 November, 2011**

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Bored. Borrowed your Browning.

SH

09:04

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Put one more hole in the wall and I'll stop doing your laundry.

JW

09:21

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Pint with Lestrade. Will be late.

JW

12:15

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Brother guilty. Might have used vinegar. Need more data. Pick up nicotine patches on your way home.

SH

12:34

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Ran out of milk.

SH

12:36

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

No wall damage yet.

SH

12:39

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Does human flesh react to distilled disinfectants?

SH

12:42

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Never mind, I already started the experiment.

SH

12:47

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Fire extinguisher in Mrs Hudson's cupboard if you need it.

JW

12:59

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Tell Mycroft it's illegal to keep kidnapping me like this.

JW

13:00

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

He's just in a mood from his new diet.

SH

13:02

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Stacey is obviously having an affair with her father-in-law. Pointless.

SH

13:14

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Have you been watching EastEnders reruns again?

JW

13:17

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

But I can't get you to watch Hetty Wainthropp with me? Hypocrite.

JW

13:18

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

That program is a mockery of crime. Compared to the Yard, Anderson is a professor.

SH

13:20

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I did indulge you on one ocassion if you'll recall.

SH

13:22

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Once! After Sarah and I had a row.

JW

13:25

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

You're out of bullets.

SH

14:01

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Need I take a detour down the hardware aisle?

JW

14:03

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

John, I need you to get my pen. It's next to the skull.

SH

15:27

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

At work. Get it yourself.

JW

15:33

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Can't. Busy.

SH

15:41

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Stop messaging me at the surgery, Sherlock.

JW

15:55

**14 November, 2011**

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Three letter word for Greek consonants?

JW

11:05

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Obvious. Mus. Plural. Do try to think, John.

SH

11:07

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Patient bit me. Might need rabies shot.

JW

11:58

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Exaggeration. Boy, between two and six? Late November. Baby teeth, long sleeved shirt and gloves. Highly unlikely to have contracted it in London. Vaccination unnecessary.

SH

12:02

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Don't take the piss. The bugger broke through the skin.

JW

12:05

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Mycroft won't leave. Playing Francesca da Rimini. He finds Tchaikovsky overly emotional when conducting business.

SH

13:38

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

He says I rely on you too much. You don't think that, do you John? Stupid. Pick up a package from Molly on your way home. Doing an experiment with pickled hands. Oh and we're also out of bread.

SH

13:46

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Ignoring that last text. Date with Sarah after work.

JW

14:04

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Dull. Waiting to hear from Lestrade about a case.

SH

14:32

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Could be dangerous.

SH

14:33

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Stop trying to sabotage my relationship with Sarah. I'm calling Lestrade. If he says there's no case, I'm hiding the skull.

JW

14:37

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Knocked a flask over. Might need a replacement throw rug.

SH

14:56

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

And medical attention.

SH

15:03

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Tea towels do not reduce intensity of flames.

SH

15:11

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

For a genius, your stupidity is astounding.

JW

15:19

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Require your assistance.

SH

15:39

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Lestrade said no case. I'm going on my date, Sherlock. And when I get home, I'm hiding the skull.

JW

15:48

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Not if I hide him first.

SH

15:51

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

I know your hiding spots. Check the creaky floorboard. I think you'll find something missing. Couldn't have Anderson actually holding something over you.

JW

15:54

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Johhhhn. You took the whole case! That's not fair. Anderson's an idiot. Misses it every time.

SH

15:57

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I at least require compensation. And the case back. Handmade. Morroccan leather and thuya wood.

SH

15:59

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

John. I need you. It's urgent.

SH

16:12

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Laptop's on my bed. Get it yourself.

JW

16:37

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Dinner date, was it? I hear that Chinese place on York is nice.

SH

17:04

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Right. The one all over the papers for having a rat infestation?

JW

17:06

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

She decided on burgers. Not the most romantic… And she says I don't try? This isn't working. We both know it.

JW

19:56

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I believe the words 'I told you so' are appropraite.

Did you get the package? What about the bread? Might as well pick up more nicotine patches while you're there.

SH

20:02

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Your blog password is the same as your email? John, you should know identity theft is child's play with modern technology.

SH

20:05

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Sherlock! Privacy! You don't need to log in to read my blog. I'll know if you change anything.

JW

20:07

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

How do you post a new entry?

SH

20:07

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

You don't. Because it's MY blog.

JW

20:07

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Posessiveness doesn't suit you, John.

SH

20:08

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Says the man who won't let his flatmate's dates go unruined.

JW

20:08

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Entirely coincidental.

SH

20:09

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

All eight of them? Really? I'm not THAT stupid.

JW

20:09

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Most of the time.

SH

20:10

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Most of the time I am stupid or not?

JW

20:11

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Don't be thick.

Why aren't you home yet? Don't argue with the chip and PIN machine again.

SH

20:12

**21 November, 2011**

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

What is the box?

SH

09:40

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

What box?

JW

09:43

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Box on the television.

Package that arrived yesterday?

SH

09:45

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Oh it's a device from Harry. It records programs. I set it up last night.

JW

09:46

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

It uses the silver remote.

JW

09:46

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Plumber breeds sheep. Idiot.

SH

10:21

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

What?

JW

10:22

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Are you aware of the chemicals in our water?

SH

10:25

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

As a doctor, I mean.

SH

10:25

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Disregard. I have the necessary equipment to test your abilities.

SH

10:26

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

WHAT?

JW

10:26

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

What are you talking about?

JW

10:27

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

John, you can't possibly expect to watch all of these programs.

SH

10:37

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

I don't plan on it. It's just for convenience.

JW

10:40

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Are you actually watching one?

JW

10:41

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

You're watching Doc Martin aren't you?

JW

10:43

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Was. Good deduction. Switched to a quiz show. Do keep up.

SH

10:46

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

One would expect a person whose profession is in theatrics to be able to deliver a false statement with a straight face no matter how juvenile amusement it may cause.

SH

11:02

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

It's blatantly obvious he's lying. Not even a prospect.

SH

11:17

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Oh come on! She clearly has a cat, the Marmite isn't a stretch!

SH

11:31

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Would You Lie to Me?

JW

11:32

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Why? Under what circumstances? Not likely. Is this about your jumper?

SH

11:34

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I'll give it back eventually.

SH

11:34

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

That's the title of the program you're watching, Sherlock.

JW

11:35

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Wait. What about my jumper?

JW

11:36

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

The jumper I've been looking for?

JW

11:36

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Sherlock?

JW

11:45

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

What did you do?

JW

11:50

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

SHERLOCK

JW

12:01

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

My dry cleaning is ready. The one across from the butcher's.

SH

12:16

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

The owner owes me a favor and she can get blood out of any fabric.

SH

12:17

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Don't change the subject.

JW

12:18

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

What subject? You're being deliberately obtuse.

SH

12:18

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

We'll talk when I get home from the surgery.

JW

12:20

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Is that code for something? You're not very good at being cryptic.

SH

12:22

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Sherlock. When I get home.

JW

12:25

**27 November, 2011**

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Wake up.

SH

03:01

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

John.

SH

03:02

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

John, wake up.

SH

03:02

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

its 3 in the fucking morning

JW

03:03

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Yes, very astute of you to notice.

SH

03:03

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

what

JW

03:04

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Need you at the Yard.

SH

03:04

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

inconvenient

JW

03:05

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Come anyway.

SH

03:05

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

hate you

JW

03:06

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

You're awake. Made you tea. Drink it on the way. Your typing will improve if you're more alert.

SH

03:06

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

still hate you

JW

03:07

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

No you don't or you wouldn't be on your way.

SH

03:08

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

shut up im tired

JW

03:10

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Transport.

SH

03:10

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Here. Just pulled up.

JW

03:28

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Good. You brought your wallet, I presume?

SH

03:28

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Yes... Why?

JW

03:28

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Bail is £400.

SH

03:29

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

WHAT? Were you arrested?

JW

03:30

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Not exactly. In Lestrade's office. Will explain once you're here.

SH

03:30

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Anderson's being a twat. Added a £50 fee for your behaviour.

JW

03:35

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Outside office. Open the bloody door.

JW

03:38

**02 December, 2011**

[44 (020) 0792-9273]

Where is Sherlock?

22:08

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Who is this?

JW

22:09

[44 (020) 0792-9273]

Greg Lestrade. New mobile. Angry burglar smashed mine in interrogation.

22:10

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

Sherlock's on the sofa. Need him?

JW

22:11

[44 (020) 0792-9273]

Tell him to start answering his damn mobile. I need both of you. I'll text you the address in a minute.

22:12

[44 (020) 0792-9273]

10 Brewer Street, Soho. We're in Greens Ct alley.

22:14

[44 (020) 0777-5491]

He's intrigued. Leaving now.

JW

22:16

**03 December, 2011**

[unknown number]

Stop ignoring my calls.

M

19:25

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Go away.

SH

19:25

[unknown number]

No, Sherlock. The only way you'll respond to me is through text messaging.

M

19:26

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I have a case.

SH

19:27

[unknown number]

You solved it an hour ago.

M

19:27

[unknown number]

Have you told him?

M

19:29

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Shut up. I don't know what you're referring to. Leave me alone.

SH

19:30

[unknown number]

I don't know why you're so hesitant. Your ego should compensate for any short comings.

M

19:31

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

I really don't know what you're talking about nor do I care.

SH

19:32

[unknown number]

Don't pace. You'll wear out the slippers Mummy gave you.

M

19:33

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Does Mummy know you've bugged my flat?

SH

19:35

[unknown number]

Tsk, tsk. Tetchy. By the way, had a nice chat with John this afternoon.

M

19:37

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

What do you mean 'BY THE WAY'? What did you do?

SH

19:37

[44 (020) 0755-3828]

Mycroft. Don't make me tell Mummy about last New Year's party.

SH

19:39

[unknown number]

All in due time, dear brother. John should be arriving soon.

M

19:40


End file.
